I think all of us can relate to the randomness of the human mind. A thought in one moment becomes a completely different thought the next. Today, I would like to take a moment to just share some things that have run through my head.
Death. The contemplation is inevitable. I think most people wonder about it , but when you are terminal, it is more than a passing thought. It can weigh on you heavily. You know it is lurking around the corner and you have somewhat of an idea of what may happen. Usually, something will trigger the thought in my head. Something I see on TV or read about. It will usually give me a chill or make my stomach fall. It is not really the idea of dying that bothers me. We are all going to, right? What gets me is the process. I do not want to know that it is happening. We all hope to go peacefully, and the uncertainty is what, admittedly, scares me.
Changing gears. I am getting old. I am only 43, but events in my life are telling me that life is changing. My daughter is graduating from high school in a few weeks. Since day one , I have kinda’ based my goals with this disease on her milestones. Since she is my youngest child, many other events happen for my other 2 within that time frame. My original goal was to make it to this point. Barring some tragedy, I will see her cross the stage. In that time, I have seen one son graduate and is now in college and the other is having a successful run in the Coast Guard. So, my next goal is her college graduation. A lot goes on in 4 years.
The point in all of this is that in spite of what is to come, I have to remain in the now. Life continues to happen. Do I spend my days contemplating the things that I have no control over ? The answer for me is no, for the most part. There is time for it. But I am not going to waste the rest of my limited days dwelling on all that is wrong. I am not going to waste valuable time moping and being angry. I will tap into those emotions when I need to , but there is too much good life to be lived.