We know what ALS does to us. Fasciculations, cramps, weakness, muscle wasting(atrophy). Loss of movement, speech and ultimately, on to the great fishing boat in the sky. But what about the fine print? The things they didn’t mention during their pitch to get us to join this crazy circus!
I am telling you, some of the changes that happen to us are just downright ridiculous. It’s like, c’mon, isn’t it bad enough to have ALS? Then it just adds insult to injury ! I know my fellow pALS will feel me. I will go ahead and divulge some of my follies for the world to see.
Where do I start? I guess I have to keep it rated PG-13. Bodily functions are probably the most common, so let’s go with that. Have you ever heard a Bigfoot? Not heard OF, but heard the vocals of a Sasquatch. Well, pretty much every time I yawn , I replicate the mating call of a Yeti. Along with a contortion act that might be seen on a Las Vegas stage! For my readers around the globe, Google it. It will all make sense, lol.
Sneezes. Violence. Picture the boat that takes you to the bottom of Niagara Falls. Now picture being the person at the front most part of the boat as millions of gallons of water plummet right in front of you. That ALMOST describes the magnitude and sheer force of my sneezes. I bet one could power a small town for a year if you could harness the energy in one of my sneezes.
Clonus. It’s not the name of an ancient Roman emperor. It is a sign of nerve damage. A rapid contraction and release of muscle. I can cause clonus in my legs by either stretching or a sudden movement of my foot. I will sometimes stretch my legs in bed and set off a clonus attack. If you have seen the movie Bambi, it makes Thumper look like an amateur. Like a human Telegraph machine.
Let’s talk about burning tears. I thought it was just me , but I have been hearing more lately that others are experiencing them. I can be sitting, minding my business. Then, bam! It’s like someone walked up and squirted lemon juice right in my eyes. I thought it was just skin oils at first because my face has become excessively oily. I figure it is just an effect of ALS on my body chemistry.
I could write several pages of this stuff, but I will save some for the next episode. All I know is that this stuff is not in the brochure. ALS is a scam !