So I learned a new concept the other day. One of the benefits of my service connected disability is that the VA provides psychology services. It has been a great asset in our battle. The help from my psychologist has been immeasurable. We have been able to get a new perspective on numerous issues we are facing.
One thing we have been struggling with lately has been lack of support from friends and family. The thing is, it is a rather complex issue with an unlikely resolution. As we realize that we are probably not going to change the way most people are, we search for solutions to help us be understanding and move us forward.
I think most people have this grand idea and expectation that when someone falls gravely ill, friends and family are going to rally around. I am sure that many people do experience that but I also know that many times that is not the case. Often, it is somewhere in between with a couple of people who step up.
The idea of emotional intelligence, in a nutshell, is a person’s response to “emotional” circumstances. I don’t really agree with the wording because there is no relation to actual intelligence. It is a result, rather , of cultural and learned behavior. Generally speaking, I think it would be safe to say that with subsequent generations, emotional intelligence tends to be greater. I hesitate to say that it is becoming better because there are certainly behaviors learned by older generations that I personally believe are sorely missing these days. But I am sure we can agree that nowadays it is easier and more acceptable, especially for men, to be more open with our feelings.
Now, back to how it comes into play for my situation. As I have said, support for me and my family has been pretty sparse. No one really calls to see how we are doing. No one really ever stops by to say hello. Often times when there are conversations , they are either superficial or have little relevance to us. I know , I know. It sounds whiny and self absorbed but I am just being real. These are things that you think about.
One thing that has actually been a disappointment to me , personally , has been the lack of support in my efforts to raise money for charity. Look, I have no expectation that every single person I know should help out. But you should see the response. It’s truly sad. It does make you appreciate every bit of help even more. We all get the obligatory “If you ever need anything just let me know. ” And that is where it ends.
So as all these things transpire , we are left with questions. Are people just that selfish? Do they just not care? Did we do something wrong to someone to make them avoid us? Do people not realize that I am really dying? It is a constant struggle to understand.
Then we sit back and analyze with the tools we have and logic. I understand that just because my life has taken a huge turn , I have to consider that every one else’s life continues on their own trajectory. I can’t expect others to have me in their thoughts. In addition, we have to think , would I be doing any different if it were someone else? That is something we don’t really think about. We like to think that we would be great support for others but how often do we say I should have done or said more. That is an example of emotional intelligence. How well do we really know how to respond? How often have you told yourself “Well I don’t want to intrude. ” or “They will ask if they need something. ” How about this one ,”That is not something you talk about. ” We are probably all guilty of it. How many times have you spoken to someone who you know is dealing with something only to make yourself the topic of the conversation? How many times have you offered to lend someone a hand because you know they need it? Without being prompted? I can point a finger at myself and say I am guilty.
Thankfully, there are some ways that we can help grow emotional intelligence. One thing I have learned is that we have to teach people how to treat us. Ask a friend to help you do the yard. When someone asks if you need help , say “As a matter of fact… ” If you talk to someone who is facing tough times , make the gesture to lend a shoulder and if they take you up truly listen.
I know much of it is easier said than done. I struggle with it every day. I have a hard time turning to others for anything. Sometimes all you can do is put it out there. You know the old saying. You can lead a horse to water… I am sorry if this entry comes off as bitching, but it is what it is. The tribulations of ALS cover many aspects of my life. And I am only human.